It must be January 21st!

January 20th signals for me the time when my really good intentions have fallen apart.  

It is the time when my New Year's resolution to eat better, exercise more, curse less, go to church, etc fizzle out.  It's when I feel like I'm losing an uphill battle and exhausted with effort.

I always start with such grand intentions but somehow I peter out -- I know it is because I go from noting to the IHAVETODOEVERYTHINGEVERYDAY mentality once New Year's Day hits.

I must stop that.  It just sets me up for failure and disappointment.

January 21st means its time to take a deep breath, muster more strength and start over.

So, why, you are asking is today, September 7th,  actually January 21st?

I'm going to own up to my failings in my fertility diet challenge.

I will say, I am much more conscious and making better decisions but all-in-all the challenge was a big fat flop.  

But, it's January 21st.  So that means I'm going to start over.  Not the fertility challenge, but just getting healthy in general.

How did I do?  First, my failings ...
- Fertility smoothies every day: nope
- Walk 30 minutes every day: nope
- Drink a quart of water first thing every day: nope
- Eat a big salad every day: nope
- Drink a "green juice" every day: nope

But here is where I did succeed,
- meditate for 10 minutes in the morning & evening: YES!
- find something I'm grateful for every day: YES!

In the midst of this little fertility challenge I found that I had a lot of stress triggers happening all at once.

It is budget season with my job.

My biggest client came to town for a 2-day visit -- which is always stressful because you are always "ON" when they are here.  It doesn't help matters that the client is part of a very strict religious sect, different from my own, and it sometimes feels like walking on eggshells to try not to offend our client.

The other fun thing was that I had to have a difficult conversation with my friend.  Let's just call her Betty.

Betty and I go way back.  We've been friends for a very, very long time.  She was in my wedding & I in hers.  We've definitely had ups & downs in our relationship, but we always figure it out.

Well, Betty and I hadn't talked since this past New Year's Eve.  During that time our fertility issues were just coming to light.  Around Thanksgiving I expected AF.  I waited and waited, trying not to get too excited but thinking OK this is it!  We're pregnant!  After 50-some odd days I called Dr. Smiley's office thinking even though I've had negative home tests we must be pregnant because I'm two weeks late.

Dr. Smiley's partner was covering for her during her holiday.  He told me that my lab work indicated PCOS.  I wasn't pregnant.  I hadn't ovulated.  We'd need some help getting pregnant.   This all happened about a week before Christmas.   (Side note, my cousin J, who was married 3 weeks after Tom and I announced her pregnancy at Christmas -- great, another one.)

New Year's came and Betty celebrated with me and my family, at my parents beautiful home.  Betty was almost 7 months pregnant.  I couldn't face her.  I couldn't speak to her.  I couldn't even look at her.

I was disgusted.

I was hurt.

I felt like my world was falling apart.

Around 11pm, I couldn't take Betty anymore.  I went upstairs to my mother's room.  I began sobbing.

I told her that we'd been trying.

She said she suspected.

Then I told her my news.

The PCOS diagnosis.

My fear.

My shame.

My utter despair.

How was I supposed to ring in a new year knowing that it would be difficult for us to get pregnant?

We'd waited a little while because we wanted to travel.

We had originally said we wouldn't start trying until January 2011, but I convinced Tom we should start earlier -- I thought it might take a few months for my cycle to regulate after BCP.  I don't know why I had that inkling, but I'm so glad I did -- it meant that we were able to start more aggressive treatment sooner.

Anyways, back to my story with Betty.

In mid-January I needed to RSVP to Betty's baby shower.  (I'd like to insert that it is for her 2nd child.)

I knew that I couldn't attend.  I knew that if I did it would be too much for me.

So, I sent her a handwritten letter and card.  I tried to explain why I couldn't attend.

I told her about our struggle.  About my fear of an upcoming endometrial biopsy.  My fear about the "C" word that was so casually thrown about by the RE's nurse.  Before I sent the letter, I had my mom read it -- I didn't want to hurt Betty anymore but I knew I needed to share with her my story.  My mom gave her blessing.

I never heard a word from Betty.

March came and Betty's 2nd child, a baby girl, was born.

I was happy for her, but I hurt for myself.  I hurt for Tom.  I hurt for my parents and Tom's.   Of course Betty made several announcements on FB during her delivery and after.

I congratulated her and sent a private FB message.

Still I never heard anything from Betty.

A few days after my graduation party (the one with the fire pit) Betty called me.

I admit to you all (safe in my anonymity) that I screened her call.

I saw it was her calling, and I didn't answer.  She left me a really nice message.  She said she was sorry she hadn't responded to my letter, and that she was sorry about us losing the baby.  (Insert WTF here -- I never told her we were pregnant; only a select few knew.  I was worried and didn't want to tell anyone until Dr. Soup released us after a healthy scan.)

Instead of calling her back, I texted her.  I told Betty that I couldn't talk then but would call her sometime soon to talk.

Last week, Wednesday, Betty and I had the talk.   Betty told me how hurt she was that I didn't attend the baby shower.

And that she understood my feelings completely -- because it was just like when she was single and all her friends were married.  She said she felt so badly because at that time she couldn't find a date.

Really??  She compared her dating life to someone struggling with infertility?

Compared not getting a date to losing a child?  Are you FUCKING kidding me?!!!

I being a person who hates confrontation said "yeah I guess it's kind of like that" (meanwhile, inside my soul was trying to rip my tongue out so I couldn't say the traitorous words).  

After a while I left it up to her; I told her that right now things are too difficult for me.  That if she wants to continue our relationship she's going to need to take the initiative and call me every so often to check in; it's just too hard for me.  I told her that often times I just want to be by myself or just with Tom.  That it's not easy talking about infertility and the struggles and heartbreak.

Ultimately I was unsatisfied with our conversation.  But I've decided to be the "bigger person" and try to just move on.

So, yesterday I mailed her another handwritten card.  Here is what I wrote:


Betty,


I'm glad we were able to talk last week; it was a much-needed conversation.  I hope you know that I am very sorry your feelings were hurt.  I would have loved to have been at your baby shower, but I knew that I would be putting myself in a precarious emotional position.  


Continuing to build our friendship is important to me, and I'm glad that you made the effort to call me.  We really did need to talk.  I'm sorry it had been so long. 


Thank you for understanding that there will be times when I'm not able to talk about the fertility issues Tom and I have been dealing with; it is not an easy subject.  Infertility carries with it not only the pain of not being pregnant or holding your child, but also the grief from pregnancies lost, the sadness of seeing what others are able to have (sometimes seeming so effortlessly), and the shame of month after month feeling like a failure as a woman and wife. 


I hope you know that I love you.  I know our friendship will only continue to grow.  The challenges we've faced together have just been bumps in the road; minor distractions that after time are easily forgotten. 

Yesterday on of my favorite blogs, Yolk ... a blog about eggs and sperm, Elphaba posted the most amazing, beautiful, eloquent post.  It was "So what's a fertile to do?"  I read the post and couldn't help but think of Betty.  That this post was exactly what I wanted Betty to understand.

I did the next best thing, I forwarded the post to Tom.  He responded like this (it makes me love him so much more)


Wow.  She really hit the nail on the head.  That actually helped me understand you a little better too, honey.  It does suck.  It really sucks.  I love you through it all.

All of that to say I am moving forward.  I'm going to let the past be the past.

Oh and on a quick status update ... yesterday was CD 1.  The first cycle after our miscarriage has begun.  I'll be seeing Dr. Soup on Friday for a baseline u/s.

We're moving forward.

Today is January 21st.

I am going to strive to continue meditating every morning and night.  I will continue finding at least one thing to be grateful for each day.  And slowly, but surely, I will get healthy through my food choices and exercising.

Baby steps.  That is what January 21st is all about.

Until next time.  me.